Philipians 3:13-14

“Not that I have already achieved this, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of race and the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.”

My Testimony – A Fight With Bulimia

These last several weeks have brought a fresh realization of the war within me. At times I have lost the battle, at times I haven’t even fought the battle and at times I’ve kicked it in the teeth. I’m realizing how valuable the lessons are that my God has brought me through. Only through our greatest weaknesses, our greatest fears, our greatest insecurities and failings will God minister. I have known for some time that my story is not unique. But there are those out there that need to hear they are not alone, that need to know they will survive, that need to know they will get through to the other side of the darkness they are in. And because I declare with everything from within that God is at work in my life.

My battle with bulimia began in 1999. That fall I enrolled in a Christian weight loss program. Little did I know the lasting impact it would have on my life.  Over the course of the next year, I became completely enslaved to food and bulimia. It started almost innocently. One bite past full was a sin, so I needed to fix my sin. Rather than crying out to God, I began to rely on myself to fix it, I became my own savior. I threw up, the sin was out of my body, or so I rationalized. But it’s never that simple. Soon, I found that I could eat as much as I wanted and then throw up and not have to deal with the consequences of overeating or give up any quantity of food. Over time my addiction to food grew. By the end of 2000 through early 2002 I was eating 2 breakfasts, 2 lunches, and 2 dinners. I would throw each one of them up, and then carefully eat a stick of celery with some peanut butter on it. I learned, much like a body trainer, exactly how much to drink at each meal to make the food slide right back out. Also how much I could eat and leave in my stomach to lose weight. By Jan. 2002 I was down to a delightful 155 pounds. Having started at 245, I was quite pleased with myself.

In Jan. 2002 I got pregnant with our first child. I was excited to have a baby and scared about gaining weight. Throughout my pregnancy I continued to binge and purge, while trying to put a stop to it. But the addiction was just too great. I remember throwing up and praying at the same time, “God please keep my baby safe.” I managed during this time to curb my binge/purge cycles to once a day or less and even managed to quit for several days at a time. Then the old feelings of “need” would overcome me and I would start the cycle over again. During this time, I lost several friends because of the selfishness of my E D (eating disorder).

I remember being in the hospital after giving birth to a beautiful baby girl and thinking, “I will get this weight back off in 3 months.” So there in the hospital, right after having my special meal with my husband, I went into the bathroom and tried to puke. I say tried because it really hurt. I had some stitches and nothing in your body is made for the strain vomiting puts on muscles. I did throw up some and went home that afternoon with my baby girl. Realization began to dawn in me that many young girls struggle with eating disorders and here I was, bringing a young girl into a home where E D was rampant. I was setting my daughter up for a lifetime of struggle to those same issues. So I tried really hard to quit. For 3 months I didn’t binge/purge. But I hadn’t lost the weight either. By Jan. 2003 I was thoroughly depressed that I was still “fat” and began the cycle again. I lost the weight plus another 10 lbs. so things were looking even better in my mind. Except they weren’t. Now I was completely in bondage and I knew I needed help. Finally one day in a fit of desperation, I couldn’t even go to work because I felt so ashamed of what I’d become. I called my husband and assistant pastor and explained the double life I’d been living. Pretending everything was hunky dory, while secretly hiding this whole other life of sin. They prayed with me and continued to support me and help me. I had many ups and downs.

In March 2003 I learned I was pregnant again. During that pregnancy I was able to control myself more, but still wrestled. We moved to temporary housing that year and I was out in the country, away from everyone and everything. As you can imagine, my stress level was really high. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy in Dec. and continued right on with the E D. Jan. 2004 a friend from church approached me and said simply, “Sandra, what are you doing?” That was a good question. She prayed with me and I stopped, instantly! Ok, so I didn’t stop, God set me free!

I lived in that freedom throughout another pregnancy right through 2005. Then I began to wrestle with the bulimia again. I had been fighting off the demons of temptation since the spring of 2006, but in the summer I gave in. I never degenerated to the point of 6-10 times per day like before, but I was still just as much in bondage. However, now I was in bondage with no results. No longer was I losing weight through it and I wasn’t free from it either. Early in 2007 my pastor prayed with me over the phone one day and I knew right then and there that Jesus was standing before me with his arms outstretched offering forgiveness, healing and freedom to me. And I took it. But within a month, Satan began to warp that freedom. After years of not eating m&m’s, desserts, other sweets, very many potato chips except on a binge, I became convinced that true freedom was eating what I wanted, when I wanted. I rapidly gained weight, 30 lbs. in one month, and 65 lbs. over the entire year. Now I had a new bondage. Still bondage to food, but now I was convinced food wasn’t evil and I should have whatever I wanted.

I’ve come to realize that I’m still in bondage to the food. Because true freedom isn’t freedom to eat what I want, when I want it. Rather, it’s saying, “I submit to God and will eat what He gives me to eat and not allow food to have hold over my life.”

I started on a course of preparing for gastric banding surgery convinced that I needed to do something drastic to change. I couldn’t do it on my own. I needed medicine to step in and “prevent” me from eating so much. But this past month, God has been doing an amazing thing in my heart and life. I began to question, if I would really succeed with surgery. And slowly realization dawned that nothing, no surgery, no diet; nothing was going to keep me from taking a handful of m&m’s, or having a bowl of ice cream or a bag of potato chips. I could still graze all day just in smaller amounts, but with high calories and fail to lose weight.

The only thing that will help, the only thing that will get me to stop eating so much, the only thing that will set me free is devotion to God. I must learn to allow Him to fill the void in my life I’ve been trying to fill with food. I must learn to depend on Him for my daily bread, both physical and spiritual bread. The only issue I can focus on that will have any lasting impact is the heart issue. And so I say, “Not that I have already achieved this, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of race and the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.”

Because, I am a living example of Paul’s life when in Romans 7 beginning at verse 15 he laments that he doesn’t do what he knows he should do and he still finds himself doing those things he’s tried to quit. So I declare today by my testimony that I press on for that prize, first one here on earth of freedom from food, and then the greater reward in heaven for a life devoted to God. And I know that there are those of you are there who are at the beginning of the journey of what I’ve been through and those who have completed the fight. So to those of you out there in this same journey, I say, keep asking. One day I know God will breakthrough in your life just as He is doing in mine. And to those who have completed the journey, keep us in your prayers, stand beside the road and cheer us on.

And to food I say, “I’m glad to know you. And I certainly wouldn’t mind having a lot of you in my life. But you are not my life. Christ is my life. I’m done making anything else my life. You are a good thing, but not the Ultimate thing. I would love to have a wonderful meal every day, but if I don’t, I have Jesus. And I set my mind on things above. You can’t give me any of the things that Jesus has given me. See, I don’t want to live for food. Food can’t die for me. If I live for food and fail it, it will beat me up all my life for the failure. But if I fail Jesus, He already died for me!”

I don't know exactly where, and I probably have the wrong forms, or needed to fill them out in triplicate and have them notarized but I'm trying to find the line where a mom goes to resign. Can anyone help me out here? Not sure where it is. Actually, I guess I'm still looking for the proper forms first. So in lieu of those, here it is. I officially abdicate my throne. Ok, so us moms don't have a throne. Heck we barely get a toilet with a closed door. So I officially abdicate my non-private, used-to-be-white, broken ring ceramic seat full of previously unflushed bodily biproducts from the fruit of my womb. There. That's that. Someone second that motion.

As if having a short, short haircut, 2 dogs, a long and furry lawn that could hide small woodland creatures, car parts or even a VW van on blocks, along with various and asundry other redneck paraphernalia already a part of out lives, we now are the proud owners of a truck. And not just any truck, mind you. But a redneck truck, complete with the off-road package. For those of you not fluent in redneck-ese, that's redneck for "give me a ladder and help me crawl up in." Cuz God forbid anything like one of my car parts, dogs, cats I have yet to own, or small woodland creatures hiding in my lawn get run over when I go off road. Cuz as everybody knows up here in Iowa, we go off road ALL THE TIME! I mean, how else does one chase down those darlin' coon after aiming our 12 million candle power magna lite, with 200 lb. optional magnetic base at the little suckers up in their trees?

But there is another option, if by some chance the "off-road package" fails to light your fire and get you on your merry way. It's also a 4X4. So put that thing in 4 low and climb that tree. I mean, come on. Isn't that what 4 low was invented for?

I probably need to get me a "git er done" t-shirt, playboy bunny mud flaps, a bobble head St. Mary mother of Jesus and top it all off with a "My kid beat up your honor student" bumper sticker. Course I already got the dogs, half naked kids and Garth Brooks cd's. Now all I need is a tube top!